no tits on Mom FTL

 

how come jews have big noses?































because air is free.

 

Two deaf people got married. During the first week of marriage, they found they were unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turned the lights off because they couldn't see each other using sign language.

After several nights of fumbling around, the wife decided to find a solution. "Honey," she signed, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my right breast once. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my left breast once."

The husband thought this was a wonderful idea and signed back to his wife, "Great idea, now if you want to have sex with me, reach over and pull my penis one time, and if you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull my penis... 50 times."

 

Four guys and a woman are stuck in an elevator.
While they are stuck, they strike up a conversation.

The first guy says, "I'm a Y.U.P.P.I.E. , you know...
''Young, Urban, Professional, Peaceful, Intelligent, Ecologist.''

The second guy says, "I'm a D.I.N.K.Y., you know...
''Double Income, No Kids Yet. "

The third guy says, "I'm a R.U.B., you know...
''Rich, Urban, Biker. "

The fourth guy says, I am a D.I.L.D.O., you know...
''Double Income, Little Dog Owner.''

They turn to the woman and ask her.
''What are you?''

She replies: "I'm a WIFE, you know...
Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc.''

 

A man was driving down the road and ran out of gas. Just at that moment, a bee flew in his window.
The bee said, "What seems to be the problem?"
"I'm out of gas," the man replied.
The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away. Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm
of bees flew to his car and into his gas tank. After a few minutes, the bees flew out.
"Try it now," said one bee.
The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up.
"Wow!" the man exclaimed, "what did you put in my gas tank"?

The bee answered,

 

how many women does it take to a screw a bulb?
none. make her cook in the dark

why doesn't a woman need a watch?
there is one on the microwave that works perfectly fine

why don't women need drivers licenses?
there is no road from the kitchen to the bedroom

 

Subject: Rebate checks…sad but true

How to use Your Tax Rebate check...
As you may have heard, some of us will be getting a tax rebate check to stimulate the economy.

If we spend that money at Wal-Mart, all the money will go to China .
If we spend it on gasoline it will go to the Arabs.
If we purchase a computer it will go to India .
If we purchase fruits and vegetables it will go to Mexico , Honduras , and Guatemala .
If we purchase a good car it will go to Japan or Germany.
If we purchase useless stuff it will go to Taiwan, and none of it will help our economy.

We need to keep that money here.

The only way to keep that money here at home is to spend it at yard sales,
since those are the only businesses that are locally owned!

 

A man was at the country club playing his weekly round of golf. He began his round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie on the second.

On the third hole he had just scored his first ever hole-in-one when his cell phone rang. It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition in the ICU. The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that the he'd be there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best ever round of golf. He decided to get in a couple of more holes before heading to the hospital.

He ended up playing all 18 of course, finishing his round shooting a personal best of 61, shattering the club record by 5 strokes and beating his previous best game by more than 10.

He was jubilant... then he remembered his wife. Feeling guilty, he dashed off to the hospital. He found the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife's condition. The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your round of golf, didn't you?! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past three hours enjoying yourself at the country club, your wife has been languishing in the ICU! It's just as well you went ahead and finished that round because it will be more than likely your last! For the rest of her life she will require 'round the clock' care. And YOU'LL be her care giver!"

The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed.

The doctor snickered and said, "I'm just messing with ya, she's dead. So, what'd you shoot?"