Joke time
h:
Senior Member
Joined: Dec 2002
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From: cali, bay area
Originally Posted by dom93hatch
:rofl: I finally got joke #2
i'm slow
i'm slow
haha dont worry took me 2 times, and the other guy 3! lol still good joke though once u finally get it. european humor i guess.
Senior Member
Joined: Dec 2002
Posts: 13,574
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From: cali, bay area
Okay here is another one. this one took me once to read, and then look back quickly to get it.
One day (pre gulf war 2) saddam hussaien is sitting at home when his phone rings. He picks it up and a voice with a heavy accent says, is that saddam, he says yes. The man said, my name is paddy, im from cavan in ireland and im calling you up to declare war. Saddam says well thats very serious, how big an army do you have. Well theres me, my cousin sean and the dominos team from the pub so thats eight all together. OK said saddam, do you know i have an army of over 1 million at my command.
I'll call ya back says paddy.
The next day paddys calls up and says, yep the war is still on we got some equipment. What equipment did you get asked saddam, paddy said, we got two combine harvesters and three tractors, saddam says, dont you know i have 14,000 tanks and 20,000 personelle carriers. By the way my army as increased to one and a half million since we last spoke. Hold on says Paddy i'll ring you back.
The next day he calls back again and says, yeah just lettin ya know the war is still on. My cousin Seamas has a glider plane we managed to put a few guns in it and the war is on. Sadam says dont you know i have 3,000 state of the art fighter planes and each of my cities is guarded by laser guided surface to air missiles. My army has increased to 2 million since we last spoke. Hold on says Paddy i'll call you back.
The next day paddy calls back and says, yep bad news the war is off. Really says saddam thats too bad, how come? Paddy says.....well i had a word with the lads and there is no way we can feed 2 million prisoners. :flagwave: :flagwave: :flagwave:
One day (pre gulf war 2) saddam hussaien is sitting at home when his phone rings. He picks it up and a voice with a heavy accent says, is that saddam, he says yes. The man said, my name is paddy, im from cavan in ireland and im calling you up to declare war. Saddam says well thats very serious, how big an army do you have. Well theres me, my cousin sean and the dominos team from the pub so thats eight all together. OK said saddam, do you know i have an army of over 1 million at my command.
I'll call ya back says paddy.
The next day paddys calls up and says, yep the war is still on we got some equipment. What equipment did you get asked saddam, paddy said, we got two combine harvesters and three tractors, saddam says, dont you know i have 14,000 tanks and 20,000 personelle carriers. By the way my army as increased to one and a half million since we last spoke. Hold on says Paddy i'll ring you back.
The next day he calls back again and says, yeah just lettin ya know the war is still on. My cousin Seamas has a glider plane we managed to put a few guns in it and the war is on. Sadam says dont you know i have 3,000 state of the art fighter planes and each of my cities is guarded by laser guided surface to air missiles. My army has increased to 2 million since we last spoke. Hold on says Paddy i'll call you back.
The next day paddy calls back and says, yep bad news the war is off. Really says saddam thats too bad, how come? Paddy says.....well i had a word with the lads and there is no way we can feed 2 million prisoners. :flagwave: :flagwave: :flagwave:
wtf goes here?
Joined: Dec 2003
Posts: 5,782
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From: Charlotte, NC
Joke #1
A woman was walking down the street when she was approached by a man. The man said, "I must have you right now! I'll drop $500 on the ground at your feet and in the time it takes for you to pick it up I can have my way with you from behind!"
The woman thought it over and told the man to wait a minute. She called her girlfriend on her cell phone and told her about the man's proposition. Her girlfriend said "When he drops the $500 on the ground I'm sure you can pick it up and run before he gets his pants down. Call me back and tell me what happened."
An hour and a half later the lady called her girlfriend back. "What happened?" the girlfriend asked.
The lady said "That jerk had $500 in quarters!"
Joke #2
Mother, father and young son are visiting the circus. The elephants walk out into the circus ring and the little boy says to his mother, "What's that?"
"That's the elephant's tail," she replies.
"No, under the tail," says the youngster.
The mother is clearly embarrassed and says, "Oh, nothing."
The boy turns to his father and repeats the same question.
His father looks and says, "That's the elephant's penis, son."
"So, why did mum say it was nothing?" asks the boy.
The father draws himself up to his full height and says, "Son, I've spoiled that woman."
Joke #3
A City cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little girl on her new shiny bike stopped beside him. "Nice bike," the cop said "did Santa bring it to you?" "Yep," the little girl said, "he sure did!" The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a safety violation.The cop said, "Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it." The young girl looked up at the cop and said, "Nice horse you got there sir, did Santa bring it to you?" "Yes, he sure did," chuckled the cop. The little girl looked up at the cop and said, "Next year tell Santa the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top."
Joke #4
A gay man named Roger goes into the doctor's office and has some tests run. The doctor comes back and says "Roger, I am not going to beat around the bush. You have AIDS." Roger is devastated. "Doc, what can I do?"
The doctor says "I want you to go home and eat 5 pounds of spicy sausage, a head of cabbage, 20 un-peeled carrots drenched in hot sauce, 10 Jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts and 40 peanuts, 1/2 box of All Bran cereal, and top it off with a gallon of prune juice." Roger asks, "Will that cure me, Doc?"
"No, but it should leave you with a better understanding of what your asshole is for."
A woman was walking down the street when she was approached by a man. The man said, "I must have you right now! I'll drop $500 on the ground at your feet and in the time it takes for you to pick it up I can have my way with you from behind!"
The woman thought it over and told the man to wait a minute. She called her girlfriend on her cell phone and told her about the man's proposition. Her girlfriend said "When he drops the $500 on the ground I'm sure you can pick it up and run before he gets his pants down. Call me back and tell me what happened."
An hour and a half later the lady called her girlfriend back. "What happened?" the girlfriend asked.
The lady said "That jerk had $500 in quarters!"
Joke #2
Mother, father and young son are visiting the circus. The elephants walk out into the circus ring and the little boy says to his mother, "What's that?"
"That's the elephant's tail," she replies.
"No, under the tail," says the youngster.
The mother is clearly embarrassed and says, "Oh, nothing."
The boy turns to his father and repeats the same question.
His father looks and says, "That's the elephant's penis, son."
"So, why did mum say it was nothing?" asks the boy.
The father draws himself up to his full height and says, "Son, I've spoiled that woman."
Joke #3
A City cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little girl on her new shiny bike stopped beside him. "Nice bike," the cop said "did Santa bring it to you?" "Yep," the little girl said, "he sure did!" The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a safety violation.The cop said, "Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it." The young girl looked up at the cop and said, "Nice horse you got there sir, did Santa bring it to you?" "Yes, he sure did," chuckled the cop. The little girl looked up at the cop and said, "Next year tell Santa the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top."
Joke #4
A gay man named Roger goes into the doctor's office and has some tests run. The doctor comes back and says "Roger, I am not going to beat around the bush. You have AIDS." Roger is devastated. "Doc, what can I do?"
The doctor says "I want you to go home and eat 5 pounds of spicy sausage, a head of cabbage, 20 un-peeled carrots drenched in hot sauce, 10 Jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts and 40 peanuts, 1/2 box of All Bran cereal, and top it off with a gallon of prune juice." Roger asks, "Will that cure me, Doc?"
"No, but it should leave you with a better understanding of what your asshole is for."
Irreversible
Joined: Oct 2003
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A kid goes up to his father and says, "Hey, Pop, know how old I am today?"
His father says, "No...how old?"
He says, "I'm eleven!"
He goes into the kitchen and says to his grandmother, "Hey, Grandma, know how old I am today?"
She says, "Come closer..."
She unzips his jeans and reaches her thin, spotted arm down into his underwear.
She fondles his genitals for a few minutes and then she says, "You're eleven."
He says, "How could you tell?"
She says, "I heard you tell your father."
His father says, "No...how old?"
He says, "I'm eleven!"
He goes into the kitchen and says to his grandmother, "Hey, Grandma, know how old I am today?"
She says, "Come closer..."
She unzips his jeans and reaches her thin, spotted arm down into his underwear.
She fondles his genitals for a few minutes and then she says, "You're eleven."
He says, "How could you tell?"
She says, "I heard you tell your father."
Senior Member
Joined: Dec 2002
Posts: 13,574
Likes: 0
From: cali, bay area
Originally Posted by Doc Gyneco
A kid goes up to his father and says, "Hey, Pop, know how old I am today?"
His father says, "No...how old?"
He says, "I'm eleven!"
He goes into the kitchen and says to his grandmother, "Hey, Grandma, know how old I am today?"
She says, "Come closer..."
She unzips his jeans and reaches her thin, spotted arm down into his underwear.
She fondles his genitals for a few minutes and then she says, "You're eleven."
He says, "How could you tell?"
She says, "I heard you tell your father."
His father says, "No...how old?"
He says, "I'm eleven!"
He goes into the kitchen and says to his grandmother, "Hey, Grandma, know how old I am today?"
She says, "Come closer..."
She unzips his jeans and reaches her thin, spotted arm down into his underwear.
She fondles his genitals for a few minutes and then she says, "You're eleven."
He says, "How could you tell?"
She says, "I heard you tell your father."
:wtf: :ugh: