some more office humor
d@weezel music
Joined: Jun 2002
Posts: 5,929
Likes: 0
I have one...
A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new
BMW advanced out of the dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a
Broni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window
and asked the shepherd, "If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your
flock, will you give me one?"
The shepherd looked at the man, obviously a yuppie , then looked at his
peacefully-grazing flock and calmly answered, "Sure."
The yuppie parked his car, whipped out his notebook and connected it to a cell
phone, then he surfed to a NASA page on the internet where he called up a GPS
satellite navigation system, scanned the area, and then opened up a database and
an Excel spreadsheet with complex formulas. He sent an e-mail on his Blackberry
and, after a few minutes, received a response. Finally, he prints out a 150 page
report on his hi-tech, miniaturized printer then turns to the shepherd and says,
You have exactly 1586 sheep."
"That is correct; take one of the sheep." said the shepherd. He watches the
young man select one of the animals and bundle it into his car. Then the
shepherd says: " If I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give
me back my sheep?"
"OK, why not." Answered the young man.
"Clearly, you are a consultant." said the shepherd.
"That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required." answers the shepherd. "You turned up here although
nobody called you. You want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a
question I never asked, and you don't know crap about my business.
"Now give me back my dog."
A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new
BMW advanced out of the dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a
Broni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window
and asked the shepherd, "If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your
flock, will you give me one?"
The shepherd looked at the man, obviously a yuppie , then looked at his
peacefully-grazing flock and calmly answered, "Sure."
The yuppie parked his car, whipped out his notebook and connected it to a cell
phone, then he surfed to a NASA page on the internet where he called up a GPS
satellite navigation system, scanned the area, and then opened up a database and
an Excel spreadsheet with complex formulas. He sent an e-mail on his Blackberry
and, after a few minutes, received a response. Finally, he prints out a 150 page
report on his hi-tech, miniaturized printer then turns to the shepherd and says,
You have exactly 1586 sheep."
"That is correct; take one of the sheep." said the shepherd. He watches the
young man select one of the animals and bundle it into his car. Then the
shepherd says: " If I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give
me back my sheep?"
"OK, why not." Answered the young man.
"Clearly, you are a consultant." said the shepherd.
"That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required." answers the shepherd. "You turned up here although
nobody called you. You want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a
question I never asked, and you don't know crap about my business.
"Now give me back my dog."
Thread Starter
Banned
Joined: May 2003
Posts: 4,058
Likes: 0
From: Tampa, FL
Casual Fridays
Memo 1: Effective immediately, the company is adopting Fridays as Casual Day so that employees may express their diversity.
Memo 2: Spandex and leather micro-miniskirts are not appropriate attire for Casual Day. Neither are string ties, rodeo belt buckles or moccasins.
Memo 3: Casual Day refers to dress only, not attitude. When planning Friday's wardrobe, remember image is a key to our success.
Memo 4: A seminar on how to dress for Casual Day will be held at 4 p.m. Friday in the cafeteria. Fashion show to follow. Attendance is mandatory.
Memo 5: As an outgrowth of Friday's seminar, the Committee On Committee's has appointed a 14-member Casual Day Task Force to prepare guidelines for proper dress.
Memo 6: The Casual Day Task Force has completed a 30-page manual. A copy of "Relaxing Dress Without Relaxing Company Standards" has been mailed to each employee. Please review the chapter "You Are What You Wear" and consult the "Home Casual" versus "Business Casual" checklist before leaving for work each Friday. If you have doubts about the appropriateness of an item of clothing, contact your CDTF representative before 7 a.m. on Friday.
Memo 7: Because of lack of participation, Casual Day has been discontinued, effective immediately.
Memo 1: Effective immediately, the company is adopting Fridays as Casual Day so that employees may express their diversity.
Memo 2: Spandex and leather micro-miniskirts are not appropriate attire for Casual Day. Neither are string ties, rodeo belt buckles or moccasins.
Memo 3: Casual Day refers to dress only, not attitude. When planning Friday's wardrobe, remember image is a key to our success.
Memo 4: A seminar on how to dress for Casual Day will be held at 4 p.m. Friday in the cafeteria. Fashion show to follow. Attendance is mandatory.
Memo 5: As an outgrowth of Friday's seminar, the Committee On Committee's has appointed a 14-member Casual Day Task Force to prepare guidelines for proper dress.
Memo 6: The Casual Day Task Force has completed a 30-page manual. A copy of "Relaxing Dress Without Relaxing Company Standards" has been mailed to each employee. Please review the chapter "You Are What You Wear" and consult the "Home Casual" versus "Business Casual" checklist before leaving for work each Friday. If you have doubts about the appropriateness of an item of clothing, contact your CDTF representative before 7 a.m. on Friday.
Memo 7: Because of lack of participation, Casual Day has been discontinued, effective immediately.
Thread Starter
Banned
Joined: May 2003
Posts: 4,058
Likes: 0
From: Tampa, FL
Top Ten Things That
Sound Dirty at the Office But Aren't
10. I need to whip it out by 5.
9. Mind if I use your laptop?
8. Just stick it in my box.
7. If I have to lick one more, I'll gag!
6. I want it on my desk, NOW!!!
5. HMMMMMMMM ... I think it's out of fluid!
4. My equipment is so old, it takes forever to finish.
3. It's an entry-level position.
2. When do you think you'll be getting off today?
And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty in the office but isn't:
1. It's not fair ... I do all the work while he just sits there!
Sound Dirty at the Office But Aren't
10. I need to whip it out by 5.
9. Mind if I use your laptop?
8. Just stick it in my box.
7. If I have to lick one more, I'll gag!
6. I want it on my desk, NOW!!!
5. HMMMMMMMM ... I think it's out of fluid!
4. My equipment is so old, it takes forever to finish.
3. It's an entry-level position.
2. When do you think you'll be getting off today?
And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty in the office but isn't:
1. It's not fair ... I do all the work while he just sits there!
Banned
Joined: Mar 2003
Posts: 2,405
Likes: 0
Originally posted by sxecrow
Start with a cage containing five monkeys. Inside the cage, hang a banana from the ceiling and place a set of stairs under it. Before long, a monkey will go to the stairs and start climbing towards the banana. As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all the other monkeys with cold water. After a while, another monkey makes an attempt with the same result--all the other monkeys are sprayed with cold water. Pretty soon, when another monkey tries to climb the stairs, the other monkeys will try to prevent it.
Now, put away the cold water. Remove one monkey from the cage and replace it with a new one. The new monkey sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To his surprise and horror, all the other monkeys attack him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted. Next, remove another of the original five monkeys and replace it with a new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes part in the assault with enthusiasm! Likewise, replace a third original monkey with a new one, and then a fourth, and a fifth. Everytime the newest monkey makes for the stairs, he is attacked. Now none of the mokeys in the cage have any idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs or why they are participating in the beating of the newest monkey. After replacing all of the original monkeys, none of the remaining monkeys have been sprayed with cold water. Nevertheless, no monkey ever again approaches the stairs to try for the banana. Why not? Because as far as they know that's the way its always been done around here. And that, my friends, is how company policy begins.
Start with a cage containing five monkeys. Inside the cage, hang a banana from the ceiling and place a set of stairs under it. Before long, a monkey will go to the stairs and start climbing towards the banana. As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all the other monkeys with cold water. After a while, another monkey makes an attempt with the same result--all the other monkeys are sprayed with cold water. Pretty soon, when another monkey tries to climb the stairs, the other monkeys will try to prevent it.
Now, put away the cold water. Remove one monkey from the cage and replace it with a new one. The new monkey sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To his surprise and horror, all the other monkeys attack him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted. Next, remove another of the original five monkeys and replace it with a new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes part in the assault with enthusiasm! Likewise, replace a third original monkey with a new one, and then a fourth, and a fifth. Everytime the newest monkey makes for the stairs, he is attacked. Now none of the mokeys in the cage have any idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs or why they are participating in the beating of the newest monkey. After replacing all of the original monkeys, none of the remaining monkeys have been sprayed with cold water. Nevertheless, no monkey ever again approaches the stairs to try for the banana. Why not? Because as far as they know that's the way its always been done around here. And that, my friends, is how company policy begins.
It's my first day.
Joined: Nov 2001
Posts: 13,635
Likes: 0
From: Grafton, WI.
Originally posted by sxecrow
Start with a cage containing five monkeys. Inside the cage, hang a banana from the ceiling and place a set of stairs under it. Before long, a monkey will go to the stairs and start climbing towards the banana. As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all the other monkeys with cold water. After a while, another monkey makes an attempt with the same result--all the other monkeys are sprayed with cold water. Pretty soon, when another monkey tries to climb the stairs, the other monkeys will try to prevent it.
Now, put away the cold water. Remove one monkey from the cage and replace it with a new one. The new monkey sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To his surprise and horror, all the other monkeys attack him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted. Next, remove another of the original five monkeys and replace it with a new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes part in the assault with enthusiasm! Likewise, replace a third original monkey with a new one, and then a fourth, and a fifth. Everytime the newest monkey makes for the stairs, he is attacked. Now none of the mokeys in the cage have any idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs or why they are participating in the beating of the newest monkey. After replacing all of the original monkeys, none of the remaining monkeys have been sprayed with cold water. Nevertheless, no monkey ever again approaches the stairs to try for the banana. Why not? Because as far as they know that's the way its always been done around here. And that, my friends, is how company policy begins.
Start with a cage containing five monkeys. Inside the cage, hang a banana from the ceiling and place a set of stairs under it. Before long, a monkey will go to the stairs and start climbing towards the banana. As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all the other monkeys with cold water. After a while, another monkey makes an attempt with the same result--all the other monkeys are sprayed with cold water. Pretty soon, when another monkey tries to climb the stairs, the other monkeys will try to prevent it.
Now, put away the cold water. Remove one monkey from the cage and replace it with a new one. The new monkey sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To his surprise and horror, all the other monkeys attack him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted. Next, remove another of the original five monkeys and replace it with a new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes part in the assault with enthusiasm! Likewise, replace a third original monkey with a new one, and then a fourth, and a fifth. Everytime the newest monkey makes for the stairs, he is attacked. Now none of the mokeys in the cage have any idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs or why they are participating in the beating of the newest monkey. After replacing all of the original monkeys, none of the remaining monkeys have been sprayed with cold water. Nevertheless, no monkey ever again approaches the stairs to try for the banana. Why not? Because as far as they know that's the way its always been done around here. And that, my friends, is how company policy begins.
ahahahah, a fawkign classic, one of my favorites.
in fact ive posted in 2-3x before :squint: