A man's wife slips into a coma. Months go by and nothing the doctors do can bring her out of it. So, one of the doctors pulls the man aside and says "Listen... feel free to say no, but I don't know if we have any other things to try. Nothing we've done has worked, so here goes. There are studies that have shown that the stimulation involved in oral sex can sometimes bring someone out of a coma. Would you like to try that?"

The man thinks on it for a bit and says "Well, I think it's worth a shot, but my wife was always a private person and she wouldn't want anyone else seeing us in an act like that. I think it would be ok, so long as I was the only one in the room.

The doctors agree and set up the medical monitors in the next room and let the man have time along with his wife. Almost immediately, they see her vital signs changing. They continue to watch, encouraged by the fluctuations on the monitors. Suddenly... everything flatlines.

The doctors rush in and start performing CPR. One of the doctors asks the man what happened and he says "Well, I'm no doctor, but I'd guess she choked!"

So, a man walks into a whorehouse, goes up to the bar and says, "Give me a beer and the most beautiful blonde you have!"

The bartender pours a full glass and directs him to wait at the table while he calls the blonde down.

The man sits down, enjoying his beer and the bowl of strawberries at the table. He sees this beautiful blonde, coming down the stairs. He gives her a big smile as she walks up to the table. Suddenly, she screams and runs away.

Confused and still horny, the man goes back up to the bar. "What was wrong with that girl? She ran off!"

The bartender replies, "The blondes are always kind of loopy, sorry about that...here's another beer.

"Fine." The man said. "Get me a brunette this time." So he grabs his beer and sits back down, enjoying the strawberries and waiting for his brunette.

The brunette comes up behind him while his mouth is full of strawberries. "What's up big boy." As he turns around, she slaps him, screaming, and runs away.

"Jesus, man. The brunettes are crazy, too! Get me a damn redhead!" The redhead comes down and runs away too.

"What are you doing at that table?" The bartender asks.

"Nothing just drinking my beer and eating these strawberries."

Horrified, the bartender whispers, "Those aren't strawberries. Those are this month's abortions."

Two politicians are discussing hot topics. One asks, "Where do you stand on abortions?" The second answers, "Nowhere, really. They're slippery."

Ole, out in his pasture in northern Minnesota, takes a lightning-quick kick from a cow right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor.

He said 'How bad is it Doc? . . . I'm going on my honeymoon next veek and my finance, Lena, is still a virgin - in every vay'.

The doctor told him, 'I'll have to put your willy in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week.' He took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided splint, and taped it all together . . quite an impressive work of art.

Ole mentions none of this to Lena, marries her, and they go on their honeymoon to Duluth . That night in the motel room, Lena rips open her blouse to reveal her beautiful, untouched breasts. She said, 'You're the first vun. No vun has EVER seen deez.'

Ole immediately drops his pants and replies, 'Look at dis, ....still in da CRATE!'

The Lone Ranger and Tonto are out hunting buffalo one day. They're not having much luck, and the lone rider's getting frustrated. Finally, he turns to Tonto and says "Hey, you're the Indian guide here. Where the hell are all the buffalo?"

Tonto jumps down off his horse, kneels, and puts his ear to the ground. A few seconds later, he jumps back on his horse, turns to the Lone Ranger and says "Buffalo Come."

"How do you know?" asks the Lone Ranger.

"Ear Sticky".

A cop stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit,
so he asks the biker his name.

'Fred,' he replies.

'Fred what?' the officer asks.

'Just Fred,' the man responds.

The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a break and, write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name.

The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it.. The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. 'Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?'

The biker replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me.' I was born Fred Johnson.

I studied hard and got good grades.

When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school.

Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through School, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS.

Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.

Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS.

Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD.

Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred.'

The officer walked away in tears, laughing

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!' A smart-ass student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?' The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, 'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.'

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway and noticed a sign that read: Low Bridge Ahead. Before he knows it, the bridge is right in front of him and his truck gets wedged under it. Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, 'Got stuck, huh?'The truck driver says, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and I ran out of gas..'

The police officer got out of his car as the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. 'I've been waiting for you all day,' the officer said. The kid replied, Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.'When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.Without missing a beat, she said, 'Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub.'