First off, we should mention that we don’t hate this microwave. It was, once upon a time, a fully capable microwave that prepared our popcorn and hot pockets with ease.

There is a history to this microwave. It was installed in our dorm when it was built in fall of ’99. This sucker could really cook too…if you didn’t pay attention—even if you did, it was devious like that—it would burn what you were cooking. This thing was like some kind of experimental nuclear microwave…which isn’t out of the question because the manufacturer declined to label this monstrosity, so we don’t even know where it came from. It’s probably in the 1500 Watt range, if you ask us. This microwave caused the evacuation of our whole dorm on many, many occasions. And the alarms in our dorm are loud enough to wake your dead grandma. This throws the living/dead status of certain members of our dorm into question, though…

This microwave was owned and operated by responsible male college students, so there was about a quarter-inch of encrusted crap all around the inside. The guy that was supposed to clean it just left the door open once and let the fire ants in our kitchen clean it out instead. In a fit of brilliance, he then tried to dispose of his hired labor by microwaving them. There was a serious disturbance in the force, thousands of tiny voices crying out and then…exploding hideously as all water in their bodies boiled instantaneously. The simultaneous loss of thousands of their numbers didn’t deter them, so Raid finished the job. We just wish he’d cleaned the raid out earlier than a month later…

So, back to the present. The freshman in charge of cleaning the microwave this semester actually cleaned the microwave. However, he decided to evaporate the cleaning water out by running the microwave. The microwave accomplished this in a spectacular cataclysm of light and sound. Any time after this that we used the microwave, it would randomly throw blue lightning around like Zeus. This thing was downright scary.

Now, recall that this microwave was operated by responsible male college students, so late one Friday night, several of us decided that, the microwave no longer being suitable for cooking, should be the subject of an experiment. This experiment involved forks. If you have ever forgotten and microwaved something metal you may have observed that pyrotechnics result. Just in case you were worried, we wore safety glasses. So. We filled the microwave with forks, and additionally an “Ragout easy spaghetti” and dum dums (which were left over from another destructive experiment). We’ve never seen glass on fire before. It burned in every color you can imagine—pink, blue, yellow, red, green, like those taste the rainbow skittles ads, only where the Irish people would be on fire—for fully five minutes before it just stopped and flamed no more.

The microwave didn’t die with a big enough bang for our tastes. Luckily, there is a new residence hall under construction right across the road, so to fill our bang needs, we took it to the top story and gave it a good one-two-three release. This is the result:








(We replaced the microwave in its original spot and just told everyone that somebody microwaved a banana in it. All that potassium or something…right? You wouldn’t believe how many people believed it!

Now, the microwave has since been thrown away by maintenance three times. The first two times, they just tossed the microwave in the dumpster out front of our dorm; the third, they tried to make sure it was really, truly out of our hands. They took it to the facility services dumpster on campus, which is like nothing so much as a prison with ten-foot fences and barb wire. So, we broke in there, squeezing under an eight inch gap to get in, then spending time dithering about how to get the microwave OUT, and finally just heaving the microwave over the ten-foot fence. Actually, the first throw only got about half of it over the fence, so remember that the microwave is in slightly worse shape than the pictures depict, sorry. Your purchase of this microwave is a donation (tax deductible? We have no idea) that will fund the purchase of a new microwave for our dorm.

The winning bidder will receive the microwave and as many loose bits as we can find. You might be able to salvage the transformer, which is the size of a grapefruit and might make a useful Tesla coil or doorstop. There’s also the big scary thing that the microwaves come out of, though it looks sorta busted, who knows? You might be able to cook those pesky squirrels from within your home if you are creative. Plus, you get two or three cents’ worth of scrap metal.

Please note that this is being sold “as is” and if you actually plug it in, it is entirely your fault when “something” happens. We cannot be held liable for anything this microwave does once we ship it. This includes, but is not limited to, causing hair loss, cancer, fires, minor or major lacerations, erectile dysfunction, anal leakage, explosions, tripping, electrocutions, marital problems, malodorous discharges, taking down your whole state’s power grid, ordering nuclear strikes on Norway, stealing your potato chips late at night, eating your pets, changing the channel right before that winning touchdown, stealing your girlfriend, and whatever you just thought of.

Shipping is fixed at $30 (within lower 48) and there is no reserve. Bidding starts at just a penny, but bid often so you don’t lose to a bid sniper! NO returns, NO refunds; paypal, and MO will be accepted. Payment must be received within ten (10) days or we will file a non-paying bidder notice and re-list the microwave and sell it to some other lucky soul. Please do NOT bid if you’re not going to pay.