Andy Rooney on....
09-09-2003, 02:26 PM
#1
un-Touch'd krew
Thread Starter
Andy Rooney on....
Originally posted by jeremyb
1. Andy Rooney on Monica Lewinsky.
Can you believe it? Monica turned 28 this week. It seems like only
yesterday that she was crawling round the White House on her hands and
knees.
2. Andy Rooney on Vegetarians.
Vegetarian - that's an old Indian word meaning "lousy hunter."
3. Andy Rooney on Prisoners.
Did you know that it costs forty-thousand dollars a year to house each
prisoner? Jeez, for forty-thousand bucks apiece I'll take a few prisoners
into my house. I live in Los Angeles. I already have bars on the windows.
I don't think we should give free room and board to criminals. I think
they should have to run twelve hours a day on a treadmill and generate
electricity. And, if they don't want to run, they can rest in the chair
that's hooked up to the generator.
4. Andy Rooney on Fabric Softeners.
My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for. Then I
noticed women coming up to me, sniffing, then saying under their breath,
"Married!" and walking away. Fabric softeners are how our wives mark
their territory. We can take off the ring. But, it's hard to get that
April Fresh scent out of your clothes.
5. Andy Rooney on morning differences.
Men and women are different in the morning. We men wake up aroused in the
morning. We can't help it. We just wake up and we want you. And the women
are thinking, "How can he want me the way I look in the morning?" It's
because we can't see you. We have no blood anywhere near our optic nerve.
6. Andy Rooney on phone-in-polls.
You know those shows where people call in and vote on different issues? Did
you ever notice there's always like 18% that say "I don't know," It costs
90 cents to call up and vote and they're voting "I don't know." Give me the
phone. (Says into the phone) "I DON'T KNOW!" (Hangs up looking proud.)
"Sometimes you have to stand up for what you believe you're not sure
about." This guy probably calls up phone sex girls for $2.95 to say, "I'm
not in the mood."
7. Andy Rooney on cripes
My wife's from the Midwest. Very nice people there. Very wholesome. They
use words like 'Cripes' 'For Cripes sake,' Who would that be; Jesus
Cripes? The son of 'Gosh' of the church of 'Holy Moly'? I'm not making
fun of it. You think I wanna burn in 'Heck'?
8. Andy Rooney on Grandma
My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says, 'Sexy Senior
Citizen.' You don't want to think of your grandmother that way, do you?
Out entering wet shawl contests. Makes you wonder where she got that
dollar she gave you for your birthday.
9. Andy Rooney on answering machines.
Did you ever hear one of these corny positive messages on someone's
answering machine? "Hi, it's a great day and I'm out enjoying it right
now. I hope you are too. The thought for the day is: "Share the love."
BEEP
"Uh, yeah...this is the VD clinic calling....Speaking of being positive,
your test results are back. Stop sharing the love.."
1. Andy Rooney on Monica Lewinsky.
Can you believe it? Monica turned 28 this week. It seems like only
yesterday that she was crawling round the White House on her hands and
knees.
2. Andy Rooney on Vegetarians.
Vegetarian - that's an old Indian word meaning "lousy hunter."
3. Andy Rooney on Prisoners.
Did you know that it costs forty-thousand dollars a year to house each
prisoner? Jeez, for forty-thousand bucks apiece I'll take a few prisoners
into my house. I live in Los Angeles. I already have bars on the windows.
I don't think we should give free room and board to criminals. I think
they should have to run twelve hours a day on a treadmill and generate
electricity. And, if they don't want to run, they can rest in the chair
that's hooked up to the generator.
4. Andy Rooney on Fabric Softeners.
My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for. Then I
noticed women coming up to me, sniffing, then saying under their breath,
"Married!" and walking away. Fabric softeners are how our wives mark
their territory. We can take off the ring. But, it's hard to get that
April Fresh scent out of your clothes.
5. Andy Rooney on morning differences.
Men and women are different in the morning. We men wake up aroused in the
morning. We can't help it. We just wake up and we want you. And the women
are thinking, "How can he want me the way I look in the morning?" It's
because we can't see you. We have no blood anywhere near our optic nerve.
6. Andy Rooney on phone-in-polls.
You know those shows where people call in and vote on different issues? Did
you ever notice there's always like 18% that say "I don't know," It costs
90 cents to call up and vote and they're voting "I don't know." Give me the
phone. (Says into the phone) "I DON'T KNOW!" (Hangs up looking proud.)
"Sometimes you have to stand up for what you believe you're not sure
about." This guy probably calls up phone sex girls for $2.95 to say, "I'm
not in the mood."
7. Andy Rooney on cripes
My wife's from the Midwest. Very nice people there. Very wholesome. They
use words like 'Cripes' 'For Cripes sake,' Who would that be; Jesus
Cripes? The son of 'Gosh' of the church of 'Holy Moly'? I'm not making
fun of it. You think I wanna burn in 'Heck'?
8. Andy Rooney on Grandma
My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says, 'Sexy Senior
Citizen.' You don't want to think of your grandmother that way, do you?
Out entering wet shawl contests. Makes you wonder where she got that
dollar she gave you for your birthday.
9. Andy Rooney on answering machines.
Did you ever hear one of these corny positive messages on someone's
answering machine? "Hi, it's a great day and I'm out enjoying it right
now. I hope you are too. The thought for the day is: "Share the love."
BEEP
"Uh, yeah...this is the VD clinic calling....Speaking of being positive,
your test results are back. Stop sharing the love.."
__________________
"I'll keep my money, guns and freedom. You can keep the "Change."
"I'll keep my money, guns and freedom. You can keep the "Change."
