I need some good ones. Im coming up short when asked "Gimme your best joke."

I cant supply one, thus my request for jokes. Ok, go.

 

Bill and Tom are getting trashed at a bar when Tom vomits on himself. "Oh, no" he says. "My wife is gonna kill me!"

"Don't worry," replies Bill. "Just tuck a twenty in your pocket and tell her someone threw up on you and gave you money for dry cleaning." They stay awhile and get even drunker. When Tom stumbles home, his wife screams, "You reek of booze, and you've puked on yourself!"

"I only had a few drinks," Tom slurs. "This other guy got sick on me. He gave me 20 bucks for the cleaning bill."

His wife looks in his pocket and says, "But this is 40 bucks."

"Oh, yeah, I nearly forgot," says Tom. "He shit my pants, too."

 

7/10! I like that one.

 

Hillary Clinton went for her annual exam. After the exam, the OB-GYN told her
that she was pregnant, and in great shape. Hillary couldn't believe the news and
stormed out of the office. She rushed to her limo and picked up the phone to
call the Oval Office.

"You got me pregnant! How could you be so careless?" There is a silence on the
other end. Finally, she hears Bill's voice.

"Who is this?''

 

Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was: "Name seven advantages of "Mothers Milk." Worth 70 points or none at all.
One student, who had partied late the night before, was frustrated to think of seven advantages.

He wrote:

1. It is perfect formula for the child.
2. It provides immunity against several diseases.
3. It is always at the right temperature.
4. It is inexpensive.
5. It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
6. It is always available as needed.

And then, the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang, indicating the end of the test, he wrote:

7. It comes in such cute containers.

He got an "A".

 

Q: How many Bush Administration officials does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: None. There is nothing wrong with the light bulb; it's conditions are improving every day.
Any reports of its lack of incandescence are delusional spin from the liberal media. That light bulb has
served honorably, and anything you say undermines the lighting effect. Why do you hate freedom?

 

Q: What did one old lady's boob say to the other old lady's boob?


A: If we don't get some support soon, people are gonna think we're nuts!

 

I have a Golden retriever. I was buying a large bag of Purina at Wal-Mart and was in line to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog? (DUH!)

On impulse, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, and that I was starting the Purina Diet again. Although I probably shouldn't, because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no; I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's butt and a car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard!

 

Paying your tax bill:



Dear IRS:

Enclosed you will find my 2005 tax return showing that I owe $3,400.00 in taxes. Please note the attached article from the USA Today newspaper dated 12 November, wherein you will see the Pentagon (Department of Defense) is paying $171.50 per hammer and NASA has paid $600.00 per toilet seat I am enclosing four (4) toilet seats (valued @ $2,400) and six (6) hammers (valued @ $1,029), which I secured at Home Depot, bringing my total remittance to $3,429.00. Please apply the overpayment of $22.00 to the "Presidential Election Fund," as noted on my return You can do this
inexpensively by sending them one (1) 1.5" Phillips Head screw (see aforementioned article from USA Today newspaper detailing how H.U.D. pays $22.00 each for 1.5" Phillips Head Screws). One screw is enclosed for your convenience.

It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward to paying it again next year.

Sincerely,
A Satisfied Taxpayer

 

The Native American Way

Recently an old Indian chief sat in his hut on the reservation, smoking a Ceremonial pipe and eyeing two U.S. government officials sent by the President to interview him.

"Chief Two Eagles" asked one official, "You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done."

The Chief nodded in agreement.

The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?"

The Chief stared at the government officials for over a minute and then calmly replied .

"When white man found the land, Indians were running it. No taxes, No debt, Plenty buffalo, Plenty beaver, Women did all the work, Medicine man free, Indian man spent all day hunting and fishing, All night having sex."

Then the chief leaned back and smiled . "Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that."