I start

This guy comes home from work and his wife is sitting on the porch crying... the guys asks what is wrong and she says, "I'm leaving you! You're a goddamn pedaphile!!!" and the guy says,






















"Wow, that's a big word for a ten year old!"

 

What did the canibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
--> wiped his ass

What do a gynocologist and a pizzaman have in common?
--> they can both smell it but they can't eat it

Hey, what's the difference between oral sex and anal sex? Oral sex'll make your whole day and anal sex'll make your hole weak

 

Who's the most useful guy at the nudist colony?

-> the one who can carry two cups of coffee and a dozen donuts at the same time....

Who's the most useful girl?


































The one who can hold the two cups of coffee and eat the last donut at the same time

 

You need to give your source of jokes to Marshy.

 

A little blind girl goes up to her mum and says, "Mummy, mummy, when will I be able to see?"
Her mum replies "I'll tell you what, I'll take you to the chemist and get you some special cream for your eyes and you will be able to see in the morning."
So off they went to the chemist, got the cream, and went home, all the while the little girl was getting more and more excited at the prospect of being able to see again. Once they got home, the mother put the cream on the little girls eyes, wrapped a bandage around her head, and took her to bed.
The following morning the little girl stumbled into her mums bedroom and excitedly shouted "Quick mummy, take off the bandage so that i will be able to see again."
So the mother slowly took of all the bandages, taking her time, and all the while the little girl was getting more and more excited. Once they were off the little girl said "But mummy, I still can't see."
To which the mother replied, "April fool!"

 

A guy stops to visit his friend who is paralyzed from the waist down. His friend says, "My feet are cold. Would you get me my sneakers for me?"
The guy goes upstairs, and there are his friend's two gorgeous daughters.
He says, "Hi, girls. Your dad sent me up here to fuck you."
The first daughter says, "That's not true."
He says, "I'll prove it."
He yells down the stairs, "Both of them?"
His friend yells back, "Of course, both of them."

 

I saw this blonde chick on Last Comic Standing last week...had a funny ass joke.

"The most disturbing thing for me as a kid was when I discovered my dad's porn collection when I was 12. I wondered where the hell he got all those pictures of me!"

LKSFDJSDLFHSDKJFHLSAKDJLHASHDJALSKDHJ

 

A woman walks into a bar with her 5 pound Chihuahua and sits down next to this guy, whom she notices is feeling a little bit queasy. A few minutes go buy and the guy looks at her and blows his chunks. He looks down and sees the little dog struggling in a pool of vomit and says, "Whoa, I don't remember eating that!"

 

Saw that coming before the joke even started.

 

A senior citizen in Florida bought a brand new Corvette convertible. He took off down the road, flooring it to 80 mph and enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left on his head. "This is great," he thought as he roared up I-75. He pushed the pedal to the metal even more. Then he looked in his rear view mirror and saw a highway patrol trooper behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. "I can get away from him with no problem" thought the man and he tromped it some more and flew down the road at over 100 mph. Then 110, 120 mph.

Then he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing." He pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the trooper to catch up with him. The trooper pulled in behind the Corvette and walked up to the man. "Sir," he said, looking at his watch. "My shift ends in 10 minutes and today is Friday. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go." The man looked at the trooper and said, "Years ago my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper, and I thought you were bringing her back"

"Have a good day, Sir," said the Trooper