James3370

from my friend laura :lmfao:

Everyone has their own opinion on the ulterior motives of the creators of children's television shows. We've heard the twisted views of the characters on Scooby Doo and The Smurfs. We've dug deep into Disney movies to find the hidden sexual innuendos and other perverse/wicked details.

I was looking at one of those pictures portraying the main muppet cast of Sesame Street as thugs (guns, furrowed "angry" eyebrows) when I began to further excavate for myself the dark, albeit fictitious, psychology of each of the Sesame Street characters with whom I grew up laughing and learning. From my paint-fume-induced reasoning, I present to you:



THE THINGS YOU DIDN'T KNOW ABOUT YOUR FAVORITE SESAME STREET CHARACTERS


Grover is on crack. Seriously. He's skinny as a rail. He's extremely hyperactive. (Remember the "NEEEEARRR! FAAAAARRR!" segment, where he's running to and from the camera frantically attempting to drive the concept home?) His eyes are always bugging out of his head. And I'm pretty sure that all those TVs and other assorted appliances that are being "fixed" in Maria and Luis's "Fix It Shop" are stolen goods complimentary of Grover, the friendly Neighborhood Crackhead. (You've seen Friday, you know what I mean.) I'm pretty sure when we're not seeing Grover on the show, he's running around stealin' shit from the clueless people we are seeing on the show. And whenever he decides to dabble in hallucinogenics, he becomes delusional, ties bedsheets around his neck and puts a "helmet" on his head to become Super Grover.




Speaking of the Fix It Shop, Maria and Luis are hispanic drug dealers who traffic their goods via the insides of toasters, microwaves, can openers, and other assorted stolen appliances from the aforementioned puppet. The Fix It Shop is a perfect cover-up.



Remember Forgetful Jones, the cowboy? (Or did you forget? Ok, that was lame. Sorry.) He wasn't on the show as much as everyone else but I remember him. He was always forgetting things because he was an extreme pothead who suffered short-term memory loss on a regular basis. He was too young for alzheimer's. I'm sure Maria and Luis were his suppliers.



Bert and Ernie were gay. Everyone knows that.



Cookie Monster could've been one of two things: an extreme pothead with a constant insatiable case of the munchies or the victim of severe bulimia. We always saw him binge, but never purge. But if you notice, none of the cookies ever really go down his throat. They just sort of go in and fly back out. I think he's a bulimic who has mastered the coveted art of the simultaneous binge/purge.



Oscar the Grouch is a weird pervert who screws animals. (Note the "pet" elephant whose trunk is the only body part you can see because she's probably tied up and gagged in the bottom of the can.) He's constantly got a hard on or is probably wearing some sort sick sexual device on his nether-regions so that's why we never see below his waist. If he came all the way out of the can, his fucked up fetishes would be revealed and the cops would arrest him for beastiality and probably child pornography. Moms have warned their kids not to go by the can because a few have been lured in and never came back out. I'm thinking it's some Silence of the Lambs shit goin' on in there. And he's always grumpy because we've interrupted his latest perverse sexual endeavor. And I've spent way too much time on this character. Next.



Big Bird is the one character I really pity. Is Big Bird a man or a woman? They refer to Big Bird as a "he" but I believe Big Bird is both. Not a transsexual, no. I'm thinking asexual. Like, both and neither at the same time. I think Big Bird has feelings for Snuffy but can never reveal them. I also think Big Bird has a complex about being the biggest bird in existence. I'm sure the other bird-kids at school made fun of Big Bird to no end. The sexual identity crisis plus the aesthetic freakishness was too much to bear, so Big Bird found solace on Sesame Street, with the other freaks of nature and dysfunctional humans.



Gina, the young(er) blonde of the show is a true sweetheart. The kind you'd want as a kindergarten teacher. Too bad she's actually an aspiring porn star who strips downtown on the weekends.



Remember Gordon and Susan, the token "black couple" of Sesame Street? Gordon beats the shit out of Susan and fucks Gina behind her back. And sometimes in front of her. When we're not seeing them on the show, it's because they're at court, battling over custody of their illegitimate son, Miles.



Linda the deaf librarian is a lesbian. She would like to tell everyone, but the sign language motion for "lesbian" is too vulgar for kids to see.


Snuffy is a terminally depressed drag queen (note the extremely long fake eyelashes and horrendous eyeshadow color) and is desperate for the funding to undergo a full body wax and nose job. He's also a mammoth without tusks. I mean, Jesus Christ..


Elmo is a kid with a learning disability. He refers to himself in the third person all the time and he's old enough to know better. Or maybe he's just a megalomaniac. Or both. He also doesn't know he's gay yet.



The Count, although my favorite character, is pretty much a loser. He's a former hardcore goth kid who never got out of the phase and still shops at Hot Topic. His accent is as fake as the plastic fangs he glues in with Fixodent. He's a failed Accounting major who now drives a Taxi and pretty much freaks everyone the fuck out.



Telly is an ex-alcoholic who has suffered severe nerve damage from various past drug uses. He's chronically paranoid and sometimes schizophrenic. He also suffers from OCD and Social Anxiety Disorder. He's constantly expecting the worst from things and generally worries the shit out of everyone else.

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I've seen the changes made as of late to Sesame Street, and I don't like 'em. I don't want Cookie Monster to eat healthy food. I want him to be a posterchild for eating disorders and eventually die; it would be like the Karen Carpenter story.

I want an episode where Maria and Luis get busted for the thousands of grams of coke they've hidden in their appliances and then get deported.

I want an episode where Oscar gets caught with his furry green dick in a zoo animal's ass while wearing nipple clamps and a floral-print shower cap.

I want an episode where Ernie and Bert legalize their "bond" in Hawaii and then adopt an Asian baby. (I'd shed tears of joy!)

And where in the hell is the episode of COPS featuring Gordon and teenage Miles, freshly escaped from prison, running a train on Gina while Susan watches their capture in horror?

One day, I'd like to see Linda the deaf librarian put two fingers on either side of her mouth and flick that tongue out! Be free, woman!

I wanna see the dramatic episode where the police and all of Sesame Street frantically attempt to talk Telly out of jumping from a five story building's rooftop.

I want to see Snuffy be the woman he feels like on the inside.

They better get on that shit.

Civic2Scooby

I actually bursted out into laughter when I read this one :rofl:

tegbooster

:lmfao: text to make this a not smiley post