Jokes v. 2c6a7n4a5d82a1r75u2l44e5522s
09-22-2005, 12:03 PM
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Jokes v. 2c6a7n4a5d82a1r75u2l44e5522s
God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God.
"Where have you been?"
God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction, and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael. Look what I've made."
Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?"
"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put Life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."
"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.
God explained, pointing to different parts of earth.
"For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor. Over there I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people. Balance in all things," God continued pointing to different countries.
"This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."
The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and said, "What's that one?
"Ah," said God "That's Washington State, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful mountains, rivers and streams, lakes, forests, hills, plains, and coulees. The people from Washington State are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to be found traveling the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats, and carriers of peace."
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then proclaimed,
"What about balance, God? You said there would be balance."God smiled,
"There is another Washington...wait until you see the idiots I put there!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Larry gets home late one night and his wife, Linda, says, "Where in
the hell have you been?"
Larry replies, "I was out getting a tattoo."
"A tattoo?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"
"I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates," he said proudly..
"What the hell were you thinking?" she said, shaking her head in
disdain.
"Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his privates?"
"Well, one, I like to watch my money grow. Two, once in a while I
like to play with my money. Three, I like how money feels in my hand.
And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right
here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
This woman goes to a pet store to purchase some dog food. She puts the bag of food up on the counter and notices a box full of frogs. She reads the sign on the box...and it says...."Snatch Eating Frogs..$20 each (comes with instructions)"
She looks around to see if anybody's watching her and whispers to the man behind the counter... "I'll take one."
He packages up a frog. The woman grabs her dog food and is on her way home. She gets home, takes out the instructions and reads them carefully, doing exactly what it says to do.
1. Take a shower. Put on some nice smelling perfume.
2. Put on a very sexy teddy.
3. Crawl into bed, spread your legs and put the frog down "there."
To her surprise, nothing happens. So, she thought, perhaps the scent she chose is not appealing to the frog. So, she showers again and tries another perfume.
She gets back into bed, puts the frog between her legs and...nothing.
She's totally frustrated and pissed off at this point. She reads the instructions again thinking that there might be something she overlooked. At the bottom of the paper is says, "If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store."
So, she does. The man from behind the counter says, "I've had a few complaints earlier today, I'll be right over."
After the man got to her house the woman says, "See, I've done everything according to the instructions and the damn thing just sits there."
The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, looks directly into its eyes and says, "I'M ONLY GOING TO SHOW YOU HOW TO DO THIS ONE MORE TIME!"
"Where have you been?"
God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction, and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael. Look what I've made."
Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?"
"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put Life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."
"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.
God explained, pointing to different parts of earth.
"For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor. Over there I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people. Balance in all things," God continued pointing to different countries.
"This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."
The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and said, "What's that one?
"Ah," said God "That's Washington State, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful mountains, rivers and streams, lakes, forests, hills, plains, and coulees. The people from Washington State are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to be found traveling the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats, and carriers of peace."
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then proclaimed,
"What about balance, God? You said there would be balance."God smiled,
"There is another Washington...wait until you see the idiots I put there!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Larry gets home late one night and his wife, Linda, says, "Where in
the hell have you been?"
Larry replies, "I was out getting a tattoo."
"A tattoo?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"
"I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates," he said proudly..
"What the hell were you thinking?" she said, shaking her head in
disdain.
"Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his privates?"
"Well, one, I like to watch my money grow. Two, once in a while I
like to play with my money. Three, I like how money feels in my hand.
And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right
here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
This woman goes to a pet store to purchase some dog food. She puts the bag of food up on the counter and notices a box full of frogs. She reads the sign on the box...and it says...."Snatch Eating Frogs..$20 each (comes with instructions)"
She looks around to see if anybody's watching her and whispers to the man behind the counter... "I'll take one."
He packages up a frog. The woman grabs her dog food and is on her way home. She gets home, takes out the instructions and reads them carefully, doing exactly what it says to do.
1. Take a shower. Put on some nice smelling perfume.
2. Put on a very sexy teddy.
3. Crawl into bed, spread your legs and put the frog down "there."
To her surprise, nothing happens. So, she thought, perhaps the scent she chose is not appealing to the frog. So, she showers again and tries another perfume.
She gets back into bed, puts the frog between her legs and...nothing.
She's totally frustrated and pissed off at this point. She reads the instructions again thinking that there might be something she overlooked. At the bottom of the paper is says, "If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store."
So, she does. The man from behind the counter says, "I've had a few complaints earlier today, I'll be right over."
After the man got to her house the woman says, "See, I've done everything according to the instructions and the damn thing just sits there."
The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, looks directly into its eyes and says, "I'M ONLY GOING TO SHOW YOU HOW TO DO THIS ONE MORE TIME!"
09-22-2005, 01:07 PM
#3
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Originally Posted by canada
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
This woman goes to a pet store to purchase some dog food. She puts the bag of food up on the counter and notices a box full of frogs. She reads the sign on the box...and it says...."Snatch Eating Frogs..$20 each (comes with instructions)"
She looks around to see if anybody's watching her and whispers to the man behind the counter... "I'll take one."
He packages up a frog. The woman grabs her dog food and is on her way home. She gets home, takes out the instructions and reads them carefully, doing exactly what it says to do.
1. Take a shower. Put on some nice smelling perfume.
2. Put on a very sexy teddy.
3. Crawl into bed, spread your legs and put the frog down "there."
To her surprise, nothing happens. So, she thought, perhaps the scent she chose is not appealing to the frog. So, she showers again and tries another perfume.
She gets back into bed, puts the frog between her legs and...nothing.
She's totally frustrated and pissed off at this point. She reads the instructions again thinking that there might be something she overlooked. At the bottom of the paper is says, "If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store."
So, she does. The man from behind the counter says, "I've had a few complaints earlier today, I'll be right over."
After the man got to her house the woman says, "See, I've done everything according to the instructions and the damn thing just sits there."
The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, looks directly into its eyes and says, "I'M ONLY GOING TO SHOW YOU HOW TO DO THIS ONE MORE TIME!"
This woman goes to a pet store to purchase some dog food. She puts the bag of food up on the counter and notices a box full of frogs. She reads the sign on the box...and it says...."Snatch Eating Frogs..$20 each (comes with instructions)"
She looks around to see if anybody's watching her and whispers to the man behind the counter... "I'll take one."
He packages up a frog. The woman grabs her dog food and is on her way home. She gets home, takes out the instructions and reads them carefully, doing exactly what it says to do.
1. Take a shower. Put on some nice smelling perfume.
2. Put on a very sexy teddy.
3. Crawl into bed, spread your legs and put the frog down "there."
To her surprise, nothing happens. So, she thought, perhaps the scent she chose is not appealing to the frog. So, she showers again and tries another perfume.
She gets back into bed, puts the frog between her legs and...nothing.
She's totally frustrated and pissed off at this point. She reads the instructions again thinking that there might be something she overlooked. At the bottom of the paper is says, "If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store."
So, she does. The man from behind the counter says, "I've had a few complaints earlier today, I'll be right over."
After the man got to her house the woman says, "See, I've done everything according to the instructions and the damn thing just sits there."
The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, looks directly into its eyes and says, "I'M ONLY GOING TO SHOW YOU HOW TO DO THIS ONE MORE TIME!"
Originally Posted by e3NiNe
Today, my girlfriend said her candy corns melted in her car. They're all stuck together.
I asked her if they became a ... "uni-corn"
:run:
I asked her if they became a ... "uni-corn"
:run:
__________________
In Loving Memory
R.I.P. Huan Vo aka woong
01.14.1979 - 11.19.2008
In Loving Memory
R.I.P. Huan Vo aka woong
01.14.1979 - 11.19.2008
