The rules of metal
Thread Starter
un-Touch'd krew
Joined: May 2001
Posts: 51,774
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From: My own level of hell
The rules of metal
One of those stupid MySpace things but I got a laugh out of it..
101 Rules of Metal
1. Don’t be that guy. (i.e. don’t wear the t-shirt of the band you’re going to see)
2. Don’t whistle while you work. *
3. If it’s too loud, you’re too old.
4. When in doubt, blame the record label.
5. It is NOT metal to sing a song about having your heart broken and cry about it.
6. It IS metal to sing a song about hacking up your ex and eating her.
7. Emo sucks.
8. Emo sucks. (No exceptions, stop looking for an asterisk).
9. Drawing X’s on your hands is stupid; tattooing X’s on yourself is really stupid; if you don’t want to drink, then don’t.
10. Blood is metal.
11. Metal must be played at “11” whenever possible.
12. You don’t win friends with salad.
13. You’ll worship Satan and like it, bitch!
14. There is no skipping in metal.
15. Ritualistically sacrificing a goat in the name of metal does not guarantee you a record deal… but, on the other hand, it doesn’t hurt either.
16. Metal guys cannot be “pimps”, “playaz” or “hustlaz.”
17. It’s never okay to have the words “Winger” and “Cool” next to each other. 18. Owning the Black Album by Metallica does not mean that you’re metal or ever were.
19. Vikings = Metal; this has been proven true, so accept it.
20. Do not talk about romantic comedies unless someone dies in the movie.
21. If you are unsigned, blame American fans for being ignorant to “true” metal - or see Rule 4.
22. The heavy metal media is inherently clueless and worthless until they cover your favorite band.
23. Management is for amateurs; “true” metal bands know everything about everything.
24. Publishing rights exist so you can never sell the rights to use your music, no matter how broke you are.
25. A band can only be “true” metal if less than 50,000 people have heard of them. **
26. If your mom knows the band, they’re not “true” metal.
27. Devil horns should not be abused; do not use them unless you really need them.
28. If someone asks why you like heavy metal, punch them in the face. When they’re on the ground, ask how they feel. When they say, “Hurt” or “Angry” tell them that that’s how you feel all the time, and heavy metal is your release. Then hit them again, and tell them to stop asking dumb questions.
29. Covering a disco song in a “metal” way is definitely NOT metal.
30. There is absolutely nothing metal about disco. ††
31. Subgenres are necessary to describe your sound; make sure you create your own subgenre that sounds original, despite the fact that you sound like every other band. (Example: Nile is Ithyphallic Death Metal – Ithyphallic refers to Egyptian statues with mythically proportioned erections).
32. Apologies are not metal.
33. Excuses are like assh*les.
34. Smiley faces on the internet are NOT metal. (Unless you can put a bloody bullet hole in them).
35. Do not bad mouth Ozzy no matter what trend you’re following.
36. Do not follow trends.
37. Boots are meant for stomping.
38. All music videos must take place on stage, in the woods, in a graveyard, or in a warehouse with chains hanging.
39. Learn to play a 6 string guitar before picking up a 7 string guitar.
40. Unless you’re solving complex mathematical equations with your music, don’t call yourselves “math-metal.”
41. Wear shirts that offend people, especially Christians, Jews, Muslims, and Homosexuals (see Sebastian Bach).
42. Lemmy is God. Therefore God is great, but still worship Satan.
43. Pretend all of the contradictions in metal make sense, especially the contradictions in these rules.
44. Punk is your mortal enemy.
45. Listen to Manowar while driving your 88 Firebird T-top.
46. Scratch that, Manowar is only cool if you live in Germany and your name is Hans.
47. Album covers must be epic. Stick figures and a pentagram does not equal epic.
48. Ballads are only acceptable in memory of a fallen comrade or if you haven’t been laid in a while and you’re desperate.
49. You can’t cut up or burn an Iron Maiden flag.
50. Your 420 reference is not subtle, witty or clever, so shut up ‘cause my mom knows about it.
Note: When you’ve read and followed all these rules and reached Rule 101, you have shown your devotion. And devotion is what metal’s about. You can now call yourself a true metalhead.
* Exception to Rule 2: if you can whistle and make it sound like at least a 4 track recording of “Angel of Death,” it’s acceptable.
† Exception to Rule 14: if you’re making fun of someone and demonstrating how lame they were for skipping.
** Exception to Rule 25: Bands such as Pantera and Slayer have proven themselves worthy of being known by more than 50,000 people. †† Exception to Rule 30: The only possible exception to this rule is if for some reason Slayer decided to cover a disco song, however this unlikely event undoubtedly means the world will end before the song finishes.
101 Rules of Metal
1. Don’t be that guy. (i.e. don’t wear the t-shirt of the band you’re going to see)
2. Don’t whistle while you work. *
3. If it’s too loud, you’re too old.
4. When in doubt, blame the record label.
5. It is NOT metal to sing a song about having your heart broken and cry about it.
6. It IS metal to sing a song about hacking up your ex and eating her.
7. Emo sucks.
8. Emo sucks. (No exceptions, stop looking for an asterisk).
9. Drawing X’s on your hands is stupid; tattooing X’s on yourself is really stupid; if you don’t want to drink, then don’t.
10. Blood is metal.
11. Metal must be played at “11” whenever possible.
12. You don’t win friends with salad.
13. You’ll worship Satan and like it, bitch!
14. There is no skipping in metal.
15. Ritualistically sacrificing a goat in the name of metal does not guarantee you a record deal… but, on the other hand, it doesn’t hurt either.
16. Metal guys cannot be “pimps”, “playaz” or “hustlaz.”
17. It’s never okay to have the words “Winger” and “Cool” next to each other. 18. Owning the Black Album by Metallica does not mean that you’re metal or ever were.
19. Vikings = Metal; this has been proven true, so accept it.
20. Do not talk about romantic comedies unless someone dies in the movie.
21. If you are unsigned, blame American fans for being ignorant to “true” metal - or see Rule 4.
22. The heavy metal media is inherently clueless and worthless until they cover your favorite band.
23. Management is for amateurs; “true” metal bands know everything about everything.
24. Publishing rights exist so you can never sell the rights to use your music, no matter how broke you are.
25. A band can only be “true” metal if less than 50,000 people have heard of them. **
26. If your mom knows the band, they’re not “true” metal.
27. Devil horns should not be abused; do not use them unless you really need them.
28. If someone asks why you like heavy metal, punch them in the face. When they’re on the ground, ask how they feel. When they say, “Hurt” or “Angry” tell them that that’s how you feel all the time, and heavy metal is your release. Then hit them again, and tell them to stop asking dumb questions.
29. Covering a disco song in a “metal” way is definitely NOT metal.
30. There is absolutely nothing metal about disco. ††
31. Subgenres are necessary to describe your sound; make sure you create your own subgenre that sounds original, despite the fact that you sound like every other band. (Example: Nile is Ithyphallic Death Metal – Ithyphallic refers to Egyptian statues with mythically proportioned erections).
32. Apologies are not metal.
33. Excuses are like assh*les.
34. Smiley faces on the internet are NOT metal. (Unless you can put a bloody bullet hole in them).
35. Do not bad mouth Ozzy no matter what trend you’re following.
36. Do not follow trends.
37. Boots are meant for stomping.
38. All music videos must take place on stage, in the woods, in a graveyard, or in a warehouse with chains hanging.
39. Learn to play a 6 string guitar before picking up a 7 string guitar.
40. Unless you’re solving complex mathematical equations with your music, don’t call yourselves “math-metal.”
41. Wear shirts that offend people, especially Christians, Jews, Muslims, and Homosexuals (see Sebastian Bach).
42. Lemmy is God. Therefore God is great, but still worship Satan.
43. Pretend all of the contradictions in metal make sense, especially the contradictions in these rules.
44. Punk is your mortal enemy.
45. Listen to Manowar while driving your 88 Firebird T-top.
46. Scratch that, Manowar is only cool if you live in Germany and your name is Hans.
47. Album covers must be epic. Stick figures and a pentagram does not equal epic.
48. Ballads are only acceptable in memory of a fallen comrade or if you haven’t been laid in a while and you’re desperate.
49. You can’t cut up or burn an Iron Maiden flag.
50. Your 420 reference is not subtle, witty or clever, so shut up ‘cause my mom knows about it.
Note: When you’ve read and followed all these rules and reached Rule 101, you have shown your devotion. And devotion is what metal’s about. You can now call yourself a true metalhead.
* Exception to Rule 2: if you can whistle and make it sound like at least a 4 track recording of “Angel of Death,” it’s acceptable.
† Exception to Rule 14: if you’re making fun of someone and demonstrating how lame they were for skipping.
** Exception to Rule 25: Bands such as Pantera and Slayer have proven themselves worthy of being known by more than 50,000 people. †† Exception to Rule 30: The only possible exception to this rule is if for some reason Slayer decided to cover a disco song, however this unlikely event undoubtedly means the world will end before the song finishes.
__________________
"I'll keep my money, guns and freedom. You can keep the "Change."
"I'll keep my money, guns and freedom. You can keep the "Change."
BOOM goes the dynamite!
Joined: Mar 2003
Posts: 27,571
Likes: 1
From: in a van down by the rive
Originally Posted by RB
I don't recall anyone ever proclaiming that Robert was, in fact, metal.
on a side note, i do like a few metal bands.
I'm glad you could confirm my coolness 
