On arriving home, Norm was met at the door by his sobbing wife, Cheri' who tearfully explained, "It was the druggist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone." Norm immediately drove in to town to confront the druggist and demand an apology.

Before Norm could say no more than a few words, the druggist hollered, "Now, just a minute, you hold on! Please just listen to my side of it... This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I got up late. I had no breakfast and hurried half dressed, out to the car, only to realize that I had just locked the house with both house and car keys inside.

I had to break a window to get my keys. Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. and then three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire. When I got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up, and I started waiting on them, and all the time the damn phone was ringing off the hook."

The druggist continued, "Then breaking a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, I spilled them all over the floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels; the damn phone was still ringing. When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with bunch of perfume bottles all of them fell to the floor and broke.

Meanwhile, the damn phone is has not stopped ringing for a second and when I finally got to answer it. It was your wife, Cheri' wanting to know how to use a digital rectal thermometer... and honest Norm, all I did was really tell her!"

 

A construction worker on the 3rd floor of a building needs a handsaw so he sees another man on the 1st floor. He yells down to him, but he can't hear, so he does sign language. He points at his eye meaning "I", points at his knee meaning "need", and moves his hand back and forth in a handsaw motion.

The man on the 1st floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, and starts masturbating.

The man on the 3rd floor gets so angry he runs down to the 1st floor and says, "What the hell is wrong with you dumbass? I said I need handsaw!!"

The other guy says, "I knew that, I was just trying to tell you I'm coming."

 

An elderly couple had been dating for some time. Finally they decided it was time for marriage. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.

Finally the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. "How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather trustingly.

"Well," she says, responding very carefully, "I'd have to say I would like it infrequently."

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment. Then over his glasses, he looked her in the eye casually and asked, "Was that one or two words?"

 

A Nun, really needing to go to the bathroom, walked into a neighborhood Cowboy bar. The place was hopping with music and dancing but every once in a while the lights would turn off. Each time after the lights would go out the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the revelers saw the Nun, the room went dead silent.

She walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom?"

The bartender replied, "I really don't think you should."

"Why not?" the Nun asked.

"Well, there is a statue of a naked man in there, and his most private part is covered only by a fig leaf."

"Nonsense", said the Nun, "I'll just look the other way."

So the bartender showed the Nun the door at the top of the stairs, and she proceeded to the restroom.

After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place was hopping with music and dancing again. However, they did stop just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.

She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?"

"Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender, "would you like a drink?"

"But, I still don't understand, "said the puzzled Nun. "You see", laughed the bartender, "every time the fig leaf is lifted on the statue, the lights go out in the whole place...Now, how about that drink?"

 

Coming into the bar and ordering a double, the man leaned over and confided to the bartender, "I'm so pissed off !"

"Oh yeah? What happened?" asked the bartender politely.

"See, I met this beautiful woman who invited me back to her home. We stripped off our clothes and jumped into bed and we were just about to make love when her god damned husband came in the front door. So I had to jump out of the bedroom window and hang from the ledge by my fingernails!"

"Gee, that's tough!" commiserated the bartender.
"Right, but that's not what really got me aggravated," the customer went on.

"When her husband came into the room he said 'Hey great! You're naked already! Let me just take a leak.' And damned if the lazy son of a bitch didn't piss out the window right onto my head?"

"Yeech!" the bartender shook his head. "No wonder you're in a lousy mood."
"Yeah, but I haven't told you what really, really got to me.

Next, I had to listen to them grunting and groaning and when they finished, the husband tossed his condom out of the window. And where does it land? My damned forehead!"

"Damn, that really is a drag!" says the bartender.
"Oh, I'm not finished. See what really pissed me off was when the husband had to take a dump. It turns out that their toilet is broken, so he stuck his ass out of the window and let loose right on my head !"

The bartender paled. "That would sure mess up my day."
"Yeah, yeah, yeah," the fellow rattled on, "but do you know what REALLY, REALLY, REALLY pissed me off? When I looked down and saw that my feet were only SIX inches off the ground!!"

 

bump, enjoy!!!

pg2 ownerage

 

way too much time on your hands skyler, funny jokes tho :chuckles: