Tirod

A kangaroo kept getting out of his enclosure at the zoo.

After recapturing the kangaroo, the zookeeper put up a ten-foot fence. Again the kangaroo was out the next morning, roaming around the zoo. So the fence was extended to twenty feet. But again the kangaroo was out the next morning.

Frustrated zoo officials built a fence forty feet high.

A camel in the next enclosure asked the kangaroo, "How much higher do you think they'll go?"

The kangaroo said, "About a thousand feet I guess -- unless somebody starts locking the gate!"

Tirod

A woman wanted a pet to keep her company at home while her husband was off at work and the children were in school. After some research, she decided a parrot would fit her needs nicely. It wouldn't be as much work as a dog or a cat, and it would be very interesting to hear it speak, but unfortunately they were quite expensive.

One day on a shopping trip she spotted a large, beautifully colored parrot and asked the owner of the store for the price of the bird. The owner said he let it go for $50. Delighted that such a rare and beautiful bird wasn't more expensive, she agreed to buy it.

Before accepting her money, the owner said, "I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a brothel. Sometimes it says some pretty.....well, embarrassing stuff." The woman was so attracted to the bird and the excellent price that she decided to buy it anyway.

When she got home she placed the bird's cage in her living room and waited patiently for it to say something. The bird studied his new surroundings, and his new owner, and finally said, "New house, new madam." The woman was a little taken at the implication of what she had just heard, but after a few minutes decided that it wasn't really all that bad.

When her two teenage daughters came in from school, the bird looked them over and said, "New house, new madam, new girls!" After their initial surprise was over, the girls joined their mother in laughter.

Shortly after 5:00 p.m. the woman's husband came home from work. The bird looked at him, the mother, and the girls and said, "New house, new madam, new girls -- Hi Sam!"

Tirod

The population of this country is 237 million.
104 million are retired.
That leaves 133 million to do the work.
There are 85 million in school, which leave 48 million to do the work.
Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government.
This leaves 19 million to do the work.
4 million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 15 million to do the work.
Take from the total the 14.8 million people who work for State and City Government and that leaves 200,000 to do the work.
There are 188,000 in hospitals, so that leaves 12,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 11,998 people in Prisons.
That leaves Just two people to do the work. You and me.
And you're just sitting there reading jokes all day!

Tirod

A man was going up to bed, when his wife told him he'd left the light on in the garden shed-she could see it from the bedroom window. But he said that he hadn't been in the shed that day. He looked himself, and there were people in the shed, stealing things.

He rang the police, but they told him that no-one was in his area, so no-one was available to catch the thieves. He said ok, hung up, counted to 30 and rang the police again.

"Hello. I just rang you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed? Well, you don't have to worry about them now, I've just shot them all."

Within five minutes there were half a dozen police cars in the area, an Armed Response unit, the works. Of course, they caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the policemen said to this man: "I thought you said you'd shot them!"

He replied: "I thought you said there was no-one available!"

Tirod

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man, that's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."

Flattered, the man replied, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely!"

"This must be a sign from God!" The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."

Then she hands the bottle to the man, The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.

The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police..."

Tirod

A fellow got up one Saturday morning with the odd feeling that something about this day was to be different. Something unusual was about to happen. He glanced out the window at the thermometer: 33 degrees. He went downstairs - the clock had stopped at 3 o'clock. He picked up the newspaper and read the date: the 3rd of the month.

Threes - that was it! He grabbed the paper and flipped it open to the racing section. Sure enough in the 3rd race, there was a horse named Trio! The fellow hurried to the bank, drew out his life savings and bet it all on the horse to win.

The horse ran third.

Tirod

A woman and a cocky lawyer were seated next to each other on a flight from L.A. to New York. The lawyer asked if she would like to play a fun game. The woman, tired, just wanted to sleep, so she politely declined and rolled over
to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persisted, saying that the game was easy and a lot of fun.

"I ask you a question," he explained, "and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vise versa." Again, she declined and tried to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, said, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00."

This caught the woman's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she played, agreed to the game. The lawyer asked the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The woman didn't say a word, reached into her purse, pulled out a $5.00 bill and handed it to the lawyer.

"Okay," said the lawyer, "your turn." The woman asked the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?" The lawyer, puzzled, took out his laptop computer and searched all his references, but couldn't find the answer. He tapped into the air phone with his modem and searched the Internet and the Library of Congress; no answer.

After an hour, he woke the woman and handed her $500. The woman said "Thank you" and turned back to get some more sleep. The lawyer, more than a little miffed, woke the woman and asked, "Well, what's the answer?"

Without a word, the woman reached into her purse, handed the lawyer $5.00 and went back to sleep.

Tirod

A woman went to her doctor's office. She was seen by one of the new doctors, but after about 4 minutes in the examination room, she burst out screaming and ran down the hall.

An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she explained. He had her sit down and relax in another room.

The older doctor marched back to the first and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"

The new doctor smiled smugly as he continued to write on his clipboard.

"Cured her hiccups though, didn't it?"

Tirod

Four men got together to play golf one sunny morning. As they were heading out to the course, one of them was detained by a phone call. The other three were discussing their children while walking to the first tee.

"My son," said one proudly, "has made quite a name for himself in the home building industry. He began as a carpenter, but now owns his own design and construction firm. He's so successful, in fact in the last year he was able to give a good friend a brand new home as a gift."

The second man, not to be outdone, boasts how his son began his career as a car salesman, but now owns a multi-line dealership. "He's so successful, in fact, in the last six months he gave a friend two brand new cars as a gift."

The third man brags that his son has worked his way up through a stock brokerage firm, and has become so successful that in the last few weeks has given a good friend a large stock portfolio as a gift.

As the fourth man arrives at the tee box, the three smugly tell him that they have been discussing how successful their progeny are, and ask what line of work his son is in. "To tell the truth, I'm not very pleased how my son has turned out," he replies. "For fifteen years, he's been a hairdresser, and I've just recently discovered he's gay."

As the other three recoil in horror, he continues, "but on the bright side, he must be good at what he does, because his last three boyfriends have given him a brand new house, two new cars, and a big stock portfolio."

Tirod

Several years ago, I returned home from a trip just when a storm hit, with crashing thunder and severe lightning. As I came into my bedroom about 2 a.m., I found my two children in bed with my wife, Patty, apparently scared by the loud storm. I resigned myself to sleep in the guest bedroom that night.

The next day, I talked to the children, and explained that it was okay to sleep with mom when the storm was bad, but when I was expected home, please don't sleep with mom that night. They said, "Okay."

After my next trip several weeks later, Patty and the children picked me up in the terminal at the appointed time. Since the plane was late, everyone had come into the terminal to wait for my plane's arrival, along with hundreds of other folks waiting for their arriving passengers.

As I entered the waiting area, my son saw me, and came running shouting, "Hi, Dad! I've got some good news!"

As I waved back, I said loudly, "What's the good news?"

"Nobody slept with mommy while you were away this time!" Alex shouted.

The airport became very quiet, as everyone in the waiting area looked at Alex, then turned to me, and then searched the rest of the area to see if they could figure out exactly who his mom was!