A man and his wife in court were getting a divorce. The problem was who should get custody of the child. The wife jumped up an said: "Your Honor! I brought the child into the world with pain and labor. She should be in my custody."

The Judge turns to the husband and says "What do you have to say in your defense?" The man sat for while contemplating, then slowly rose. "Your Honor! If I put a dollar in a vending machine and a Pepsi comes out... whose Pepsi is it. the machine's or mine?"

 

hahahaha















good point :chuckles:

 

So flippedcracker puts a dollar in the DP machine... :chuckles:

 

A couple were married and, following the wedding, the husband laid down some rules. "I'll be home when I want, if I want, and at what time I want," he insisted." And, I don't expect any hassle from you.
Also, I expect a decent meal to be on the table every evening, unless I tell you otherwise. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing with my buddies whenever I want.

Those are my rules," he said. "Any comments?"

His new bride replied, "No, that's fine with me. But, just understand that there'll be sex here at seven o'clock every night... whether you're here or not."

 

A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She said, "But we don't know anything about each other."
He said, "That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along."
So she consented, and they were married.

They went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort. While they were lying by the pool one morning, he got up off of his towel, climbed the ten-meter board, and did a two-and-a-half-tuck gainer, followed by three rotations in the jackknife position. When he straightened out, he cut the water like a knife.

After a few more demonstrations, he came back and laid down on the towel.

She said, "That was incredible!"

He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about each other as we went along."

So she got up, jumped in the pool, and started doing laps. After about thirty laps, she climbed back out and laid down on her towel, hardly out of breath.

He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?"

"No," she said, "I was a hooker in Venice and I worked both sides of the canal."

 

:chuckles:

 

Soon after our last child left home for college, my husband was resting next to me on the couch with his head in my lap. I carefully removed his glasses. "You know, honey," I said sweetly, "Without your glasses you look like the same handsome young man I married."

"Honey," he replied with a grin, "Without my glasses, you still look pretty good too!"

 

:ugh:

 

Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?

Dad: That happens in every country, son.

 

Roger and Jack were on the 14th hole, ready to tee off when a funeral procession drove down the adjoining road. Seeing the hearse, Roger stopped, took off his hat, and placed his hand over his heart. "Wow!" said Jack, "I never knew you had so much respect for the dead."

"I ought to," said Roger, "I was married to her for forty years!"