im so sorry about your loss! i dont think anything hurts as much as losing a pet.. may sound lame to some people but i understand how u feel. it does hurt like losing a family member because they r.. 12 yrs is a long time..he knows u loved him and yes u do wish the communication was clear both ways..its hard to let go of your pet whether they died suddenly or u knew it was coming and then it did. u cant put the brakes on it..the void is there..tears r just fine. i cried buckets when my hamster died last May, as embarrassing as that is too admit but it broke my heart.. she had surgeries and illness and just couldnt pull out of it.. grief is what it is..he will be waiting for u on the other side..